This is possibly one of the main reasons I wanted to start this blog as I have so much to say on this matter and very few people to talk to about this. I have friends who don't really understand this aspect and my family either get upset or get angry either at me or the parent in question and I will eventually gain the confidence to confront this person, that is another reason to write this in the bog, it gives me notes and pointers from which to confront the person.
So I should first say my mother, is an amazing woman this post is not about her, she has done so much to support me and she is my best friend.
This blog is about my father.
I should start right back at the very beginning. My parents divorced when I was 7, now at the time this didn't affect me because I was too young to understand, and I was never that close to my dad anyway, even when he was at home, he never really took an interest in me.
Now even though it didn't affect me it devastated my mum when they divorced, mainly because it was so sudden, my father decided to cheat on my mum and mum found out. That's pretty much the end of it and they split.
Now this in itself didn't really affect me or my sister, it's what happened afterwards that hurt the most. My sister, who is older than me loved my dad so much, she was heartbroken when he left and even more so with his constant promising to visit and then cancelling at the last minute. That broke my sister, throughout her life my sister has had issues, both with anger and dealing with such things and that's mainly down to my dad.
Now as I said at the time I wasn't phased I never really was. Through my childhood other things seemed to feel more important. My mum was broken so I had to be there for her. My mum had trouble with my sister going off the rails. I had to be there for them and I guess through all that I never really thought of how it made me feel or how it affected me. This last year I've definitely thought about it and it's something I need to talk about before I explode.
Whilst being at university my father has been supporting me (and by that I mean paying me some money so I don't have to get a job). Now he's also fallen on hard times and I understand that, this time last year he had a heart attack and lost his job. But he got a huge payout from his job, well over 40 thousand, and since he's living at home with his dad I find it impossible that he could have spent 40 thousand pound in that amount of time, or if he has it's foolish of him to not think about the future since he's still nowhere close to getting a job, not to mention he's on job seekers allowance that he gets paid for.
I'm trying to keep my thoughts straight but it's not as easy as I think because everything seems to blend together so forgive me if this ramble is very long and not very concise.
Now me and my dad never grew up close, in fact he only really started taking an interest in me when I turned 18 and he could 'show me off' to all his mates in the pub. When I was young and he used to ring up he'd talk to me on the phone for about 5 minutes if that then go and talk to my sister for half an hour to an hour. I knew from an early age he never really wanted me or he never got me. I'm pretty sure he knows very little about me.
That hurts and spins so many thoughts in my head. So many questions. Why? Why was I not good enough for him to love? What did I do wrong to make him not want me?
I know these are probably stupid things to think but that's what my mind goes to. He's never taken to time to get to know me or even really talk to me. He doesn't know who I am, his own daughter. Up until know it's never bothered me, or maybe it has but I've buried it dealt with other problems.
But now with the start of my 'adult life' beginning this is something I need to confront and deal with or it's going to affect me.
My dad is not the sort of person you talk to about money, you just don't. I'm always scared if I bring money up he'll make an excuse to stop paying me and I really can't afford that. In my mind if my dad stops paying, I stop saving money, I'm not able to move when I finish uni and I'll get stuck at home (Do not want). So it terrifies me, but recently he's been really lax with payments, so much so I've ended up going into my overdraft a few times which means I loose more money through paying fees and such. It sucks.
I also feel like I'm just been 'nice' to him to get his money and that makes me feel like such a fake person and such a bitch, but what can I do?
It's so difficult to write this as well as think it at all, but I wish when my parents divorced that my dad just up and left and I have people saying "you're so lucky to have your dad in your life" but at what cost? the cost of having a broken heart. been hurt over and over again. To feel like such a bad person. It breaks my heart to think some of the things I think and it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me.
When my dad had his heart attack, I wished it would kill him. No wished is the wrong word, the thought crossed my mind if life would be better if it had killed him. The fact that I think that, scares me, am I really so fucked up as to wish my own dad dead? Is that a natural thing to think? Am I that twisted that my mind would even think that?
What's wrong with me? Why do I feel so bad about myself? The same thoughts go through my head when I think about this subject. I hate myself, I disgust myself, What crazy bitch thinks that about their own father? What's wrong with me.
I just feel myself been pushed to the breaking point, I've never dealt with these issues because they've never felt like issues, but maybe this is where everything else stems.
I've never been good enough for my dad, so why would I be good enough for anyone else.
I hate myself. I hate him.