tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76127994062187348372024-02-20T16:05:14.337-08:00Unmistakably MeAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13376995001841227244noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7612799406218734837.post-59135674815163951172016-12-03T00:31:00.001-08:002016-12-03T00:46:24.387-08:00Parent Problems. <div class="MsoNormal">
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">This is possibly one of the
main reasons I wanted to start this blog as I have so much to say on this
matter and very few people to talk to about this. I have friends who don't
really understand this aspect and my family either get upset or get angry
either at me or the parent in question and I will eventually gain the
confidence to confront this person, that is another reason to write this in the
bog, it gives me notes and pointers from which to confront the person. </span><span style="color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">So I should first say my
mother, is an amazing woman this post is not about her, she has done so much to
support me and she is my best friend. </span><span style="color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">This blog is about my
father. </span><span style="color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">I should start right back
at the very beginning. My parents divorced when I was 7, now at the time this
didn't affect me because I was too young to understand, and I was never that
close to my dad anyway, even when he was at home, he never really took an interest
in me. </span><span style="color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">Now even though it didn't
affect me it devastated my mum when they divorced, mainly because it was
so sudden, my father decided to cheat on my mum and mum found out. That's
pretty much the end of it and they split. </span><span style="color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;">Now this in itself didn't
really affect me or my sister, it's what happened afterwards that hurt the
most. My sister, who is older than me loved my dad so much, she was heartbroken
when he left and even more so with his constant promising to visit and then
cancelling at the last minute. That broke my sister, throughout her life my
sister has had issues, both with anger and dealing with such things and that's
mainly down to my dad. </span><span style="color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
Now as I said at the time I wasn't phased I never really was. Through my
childhood other things seemed to feel more important. My mum was broken so I
had to be there for her. My mum had trouble with my sister going off the rails.
I had to be there for them and I guess through all that I never really thought
of how it made me feel or how it affected me. This last year I've
definitely thought about it and it's something I need to talk about before
I explode. </span><span style="color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
Whilst being at university my father has been supporting me (and by that I mean
paying me some money so I don't have to get a job). Now he's also fallen on
hard times and I understand that, this time last year he had a heart attack and
lost his job. But he got a huge payout from his job, well over 40 thousand, and
since he's living at home with his dad I find it impossible that he could have
spent 40 thousand pound in that amount of time, or if he has it's foolish of
him to not think about the future since he's still nowhere close to getting a
job, not to mention he's on job seekers allowance that he gets paid for.<br />
I'm trying to keep my thoughts straight but it's not as easy as I think because
everything seems to blend together so forgive me if this ramble is very long
and not very concise.<br />
Now me and my dad never grew up close, in fact he only really started taking an
interest in me when I turned 18 and he could 'show me off' to all his mates in
the pub. When I was young and he used to ring up he'd talk to me on the phone
for about 5 minutes if that then go and talk to my sister for half an hour to
an hour. I knew from an early age he never really wanted me or he never got me.
I'm pretty sure he knows very little about me. </span><span style="color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
That hurts and spins so many thoughts in my head. So many questions. Why? Why
was I not good enough for him to love? What did I do wrong to make him not want
me? </span><span style="color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
I know these are probably stupid things to think but that's what my mind goes
to. He's never taken to time to get to know me or even really talk to me. He
doesn't know who I am, his own daughter. Up until know it's never bothered me,
or maybe it has but I've buried it dealt with other problems.<br />
But now with the start of my 'adult life' beginning this is something I need to
confront and deal with or it's going to affect me. </span><span style="color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
My dad is not the sort of person you talk to about money, you just don't. I'm
always scared if I bring money up he'll make an excuse to stop paying me and I
really can't afford that. In my mind if my dad stops paying, I stop saving
money, I'm not able to move when I finish uni and I'll get stuck at home (Do
not want). So it terrifies me, but recently he's been really lax with payments,
so much so I've ended up going into my overdraft a few times which means I
loose more money through paying fees and such. It sucks. </span><span style="color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
I also feel like I'm just been 'nice' to him to get his money and that makes me
feel like such a fake person and such a bitch, but what can I do? </span><span style="color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
It's so difficult to write this as well as think it at all, but I wish when my
parents divorced that my dad just up and left and I have people saying
"you're so lucky to have your dad in your life" but at what cost? the
cost of having a broken heart. been hurt over and over again. To feel like such
a bad person. It breaks my heart to think some of the things I think and it
makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. </span><span style="color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
When my dad had his heart attack, I wished it would kill him. No wished is the
wrong word, the thought crossed my mind if life would be better if it had
killed him. The fact that I think that, scares me, am I really so fucked up as
to wish my own dad dead? Is that a natural thing to think? Am I that twisted
that my mind would even think that? </span><span style="color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><span style="color: black;"><br />
What's wrong with me? Why do I feel so bad about myself? The same thoughts go
through my head when I think about this subject. I hate myself, I disgust
myself, What crazy bitch thinks that about their own father? What's wrong with
me.<br />
I just feel myself been pushed to the breaking point, I've never dealt with
these issues because they've never felt like issues, but maybe this is where
everything else stems. </span><span style="color: black;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "trebuchet ms" , sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br />
I've never been good enough for my dad, so why would I be good enough for
anyone else.<br />
I hate myself. I hate him. </span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "times"; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13376995001841227244noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7612799406218734837.post-63424826572659544732016-12-02T23:49:00.001-08:002016-12-02T23:49:40.652-08:00Where to start. <span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Well I guess I really need to decide where to start in this blog.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">First I should probably say a little bit about myself. My name is Deanna, though most of my friends know me as Raven, as my name on pretty much any site is QuotationRaven. I'm 22 and currently in my final year of uni studying teaching (I know scary!). </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">This last month or so I've really felt like I needed to sort out my life, and not in ways I really thought I would. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, reading to jump off into the unknown of my adult life, starting a proper career, moving away from home, starting a new life. Yet there are so many things holding me back, things my brain is telling me I need to sort out, before I jump, or I risk hanging myself with them. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So that's what this blog is, it's my brain's rambles trying to sort out my life before I move on in my journey and move on into a new life, with whole new challenges along the way. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I just hope I can make the jump in the end. </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13376995001841227244noreply@blogger.com2